Depression

 

    I know its been a while since I have written, and I wish I could say I have been off having some grand adventures with God, but unfortunately I think I have been running from Him instead. I know the topic of this subject isn't all that sunshiny either but up until recently I have decided to face facts and start trying to fight for my life and happiness. And by recent I mean yesterday, and it doesn't matter if someone reads this or not, getting it down into words helps me deal with my issues.
  Some few years ago I'm not sure if it was 2009 or 2010, I was diagnosed with depression. My Dr. gave me a bottle of depression medicine, said take this for two weeks, come back, if it's helping we'll get you a prescription. I walked out of that Dr.'s office, threw the bottle in the trash and never went back. First of all I was in complete denial and did not think I was depressed, second of all, my father was an alcoholic way back before I was born and over came it. Unfortunately these traits can be passed down, and seeing that there is addictive behavior in my genes I did not want to become addicted or dependent on medication for happiness. I have been battling periods of depression for so long, I'm actually not sure what real happiness feels like. I believe I feel it in my children's hugs, in their kisses, in their smiles. But then I'm never sure. When my husband touches me in a loving manner it feels disgusting to me, not because of who he is, I love him more than I have ever loved any man. But acts of love are hard for me to receive especially coming from my husband. I think a lot of it has to do with I am not happy with myself, I don't think that I am worth loving. And my marriage has been in this struggle for as long as I can remember.
   Lately however my periods of depression are getting more frequent, lasting a lot longer. I cry a lot, I'm so tired all the time, I'm physically sick, nauseated all the time, my migraines are getting so close together its becoming hard to physically do anything, I don't like to get out of my house, the only reason I get up and out of bed, is because of my children, because I love them and I would do anything for them. So I get up and I raise them and I take care of them. I have noticed though I don't take the time to just sit and spend it with them. I'm always keeping busy with house work, telling them I'm to busy to play. I'm grouchier than I think I ever have been before, I have a tendency to just snap at anyone, not to mention I have little to no self esteem at all. I haven't been strong in my relationship with God as I have been. I've hit this wall in my life where its all becoming to much, I feel as if I'm drowning and I can't come up for air a lot of times.
   Finally, I told myself, and I told God that enough was enough, I wasn't going to sit here and let depression run my life, I want to fight for my happiness, and for my families happiness. I don't believe I need medication to over come it, I truly believe I need God and I need to hang on His every word to get passed it.
   At the beginning of our conversion a year ago, it was the first time I ever felt true happiness, being that close to God. And then over time things gradually got back to where they were before, I think I feel like nothing good in my life will ever stay or last so I have a tendency to push it away. So I want to fight for my happiness back, I want to fight for the light of God once again, but hopefully I am able to keep it in my reach. I know in my heart nothing is impossible for God, so I have to start telling myself that I can do the impossible as long as I keep Him close to my side.
    So to start I gave my house a good cleansing, then I had to take it a step further, I know I need to hang on God's every word, and I have not picked up my Bible in quit some time. I pray every day but I know that I need more than just prayers in my life now. I truly need to be close to God. So I wrote Bible passages in my bathroom, on my mirrors, I put pictures of happy memories every where so I can find myself again. I wrote a message to myself on my mirror I get ready in every day and every night and I promised that I would read the words to myself, Its hard to read them out loud but I do, and I know that I will get to the point to where I can look at myself and say them rather than just look away.


   It's a hard journey, but then I don't think it's ever been promised to be easy, it's just promised to be worth it. God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, I know sometimes especially for me I wonder why is He letting me go through what I'm going through. But then I know I'm not stupid and I know that He is only doing it because He believes in me, more than I will ever believe in myself, He knows I'm going to come out of it stronger. I don't know when but I believe one day I will. I just have to find a groove to get in, I need to find a way to fight this battle that isn't going to overwhelm me. I haven't in anyway found that groove yet, but I don't want to give up looking for it, even though sometimes I feel like its to far out of my reach. If I'm living and breathing which up until this point is all I have been doing for the past few weeks, I want to make it worth it. I want to show my children that life might be a constant battle, but it will always be worth it, as long as your fighting on the right side.
   So I finally told God that I need some major help. I have just been alive rather than living lately and I'm tired of being tired. I'm so tired of depression constantly surrounding me. I'm tired of living my life in fear. I don't know what my purpose in life is, but I know I wouldn't be here if I didn't have one. I have failed at everything I have tried to do, and instead of letting it beat me up, I need to tell myself then its not what God has planned for me. There is still something out there that I haven't found that is just for me. I just haven't been fighting hard enough to find it.
   So yesterday was day one of acknowledgement and starting the fight up again, and today is just getting it down and out feeling better about getting it out of my head, putting into words for myself and if I happen to help someone else along the way, then I am blessed.