Healing Letter Exercise

   Okay so I have been acknowledging lately things that happened in my life that have made me feel and do the things I have. So one of my biggest problems is that someone very close to me hurt me years ago. I'm just now going back to that part in my life, and realizing it has had such an effect on me these past years. It has hurt my relationship with my husband, and has hurt my trust in certain people.

   I know in my heart I need to find forgiveness because this is the ONE thing that is really blocking me and stopping me from really moving on in my life, in me and my husbands relationship. Its the biggest hurdle yet. I have been crying so much lately because I am finally opening up and acknowledging the hurt is has cause me, when I just tried to push it away. Now its back with a  vengeance and I am really just trying to live through it and find that forgiveness even though I don't know how. But I pray and I pray for it.

  One thing I came across in a prayer booklet I have is called a HEALING LETTER EXERCISE. So I thought this may be able to help me push past that hurt and pain and find forgiveness in my heart. I am willing to give it a try so I can move forward in my life. I hope others will try it as well. NO ONE deserves to live with a hurt and pain like this.

 

HEALING LETTER EXERCISE

 

1.    Spend some time in prayer and ask the Lord to bring up any unresolved emotional wounds that may be allowing evil to enter your life, or attack your health. If the Lord brings to mind some people who have hurt you, ask the Holy Spirit to bring back the fullness of your repressed emotions, so that you can be set free.
2.    After you identify a hurtful past even that needs healing, try to separate the situation from everything else that has happened to you. Instead of trying to work through years of emotional abuse at one time, try to isolate one experience and keep working on the situation until it is resolved.
3.    Begin the exercise from a prayerful and meditative state of mind. Find a quiet place where you can be alone with the Lord. Make sure you have plenty of tissues and the necessary writing supplies.
4.    Picture the person who hurt you in your imagination. Imagine that person can hear everything you are about to say. If the person is deceased, picture them in heaven standing next to Jesus.
5.    Begin writing your letter with the words, I am angry because you hurt me! Tell this person all the ways that he or she has hurt you by his or her careless and disrespectful actions. Keep writing the words I'm angry, over and over again. Don't worry about spelling or grammar; just release everything that needs to be said.
6.    After you vent all your anger, move on to any fears that you may have experienced. How has this person affected your life? Describe how the consequences of his or her careless actions have carried forward into your present -day relationships.
7.     After you vent any fears or guilty feelings, get in touch with your sadness. Tell this person what you wanted to happen that didn't. If you're writing to your father say, I'm sad because I wanted a better relationship with you. I wanted you to treat me like a beloved son or daughter. I wanted your love and support.
8.     Conclude your letter with anything else you need to say to this person, and then begin a new letter by picturing the person who hurt you in a completely healed state. Picture them in heaven standing next to Jesus. Imagine this person full of God's love and because they are full of God's love, allow them to offer you an apology.
9.     Start your apology letter by saying, I'm so sorry for hurting you. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Write down all the loving words that you need to hear.
10.     Conclude your apology letter with prayer. Release the person who hurt you into the Lord's hands. Ask Jesus to wash away any negativity that you may have picked up by accepting this person's abuse. Surrender this person to the Lord, and if appropriate, ask Jesus to break all unhealthy soul-ties.
11.     Allow Jesus to speak to you through a closure letter. Accept the Lord's love and forgiveness. Allow the Lord's love and forgiveness to flow into your hear and cleanse you of all curses, resentment and negativity.
12.     Ask the Lord to show you if there's anything else that you need to release. Allow yourself to fall into the Lord's arms and be permanently set free- free to be the child of God the Lord intended you to be.

 

 

I have been acknowledging all these hurtful feelings and I know when the time is right I will ask my husband to take the kids and bring them to play at the park or something so I can be alone with God and truly be able to get that hurt and pain out. This is something I need to do for me because I have been living in this torment for years and I have not been able to have a full relationship with my husband, and I have not been able to trust fully.

 

This person will never know the hurt and affect they caused me by their careless actions and disregard of my feelings and the effect they would have on my life. And I can't even be around them any more, hug them or look them in the eye. But I have been trying for so long to forgive and I need to find it so I can live my life to the fullest.

It's One Big Journey to Heaven

I was slipping, I was slipping so fast into the fires of hell,
The devil was my BFF, and he was just waiting for me with open arms.

Even though he was my bff, even through all the bad, I still prayed, with the little Faith I had. I said "God if you can hear me, help me, help me turn my life around. Help me to give this life up".

The something happened, My Dad (God) He grabbed me by the hand, a...nd He pulled me off of that path, because He loved me that much. Because I had just a smidgen of Faith, I had just a te tiny bit of Hope, He saved me.

He can do that for ANYONE, God never discriminates, He can save you if you ask Him.

I know that the Devil is mad and angry, why because I can feel it, every time I turn to God when he comes for me, I literally know how mad he is, because for some reason I can feel him get that mad, I know when he is ticked off.

God can save anyone, God has the power to pull you from the flames the way He did me.

I know this road is hard and long, and the more you believe and love God, the devil makes it THAT much harder. But because you believe at all, because you have that tiny bit of Faith and Hope. God will come for you, and He will beat the devil every time.

Do NOT think its an easy road, because it NEVER is, getting to heaven isn't about believing in God, just saying prayers and going to church...

No sir Its work, you have to actually spend time with God, build a relationship with him and keep Him front and center in your lives, it may seem like a lot of work, but trust me, you put God at the center of your life, He will put everything else in place for you.

If your having a hard time, STOP, stop everything you are doing, and just say God, help me, God turn this around for me.

He will, you just have to understand He does it in HIS own time, because He's building up something bigger and better for you.

And that my friend is the greatest gift from God.

Its HIS LOVE

A New Calling

Yesterday, I felt a whole new calling from God, Like I'm okay to tell people about my life story and all the things I did. I use to be so ashamed of that.

But now I know, I just have this passion in my heart, I have this huge passion to steer kids away from the path I took. I don't want other people living with the pain and the hurt that's in my heart. I don't want anyone searching there whole life for love and acceptance in all the wrong places.

It took me 24 years to find God the way I have now. It took me 24 years to find the Father I have been searching for and the Mother I always wanted.
I'm okay to know I don't have that relationship with my parents now God and Mary, they are my parents and I know they will never turn me away, they will always be hear to listen to me.

The devil can try and he can try, but he can never take that away from me. He cant take the relationship I have with my heavenly parents. I will never let them go!

And its not just kids, I want to help adults, I want to help fix the broken families and the broken marriages. It took me and my husband, 7 years of fighting for this relationship, and when God knew we needed it, he gave us 2 beautiful boys to keep us hanging on till we could find him. Our marriage did not get ANY kind of better until we accepted God in our lives. And now we share a whole new love for each other, an awesome love for Christ, and we have made new family and friends.

                I live my life for God now, and if I didn't then it would just be worthless.

{I love you Father, and I love you Mother, with all the love I know how to give I give it all to you}

How Do You Fix You?

   This morning I have never felt more alone. I know God is always here, but its so, so hard when you physically can't see Him.
  
This morning I had come to the realization that I am so messed up, I am seriously messed up, I did so many hurtful things and I have had so many hurtful things done to me in my life, that my heart is so full of pain. I don't know how to fix it, I keep crying out and hoping someone will just listen and tell me why I am so messed up. Who will listen to my whole story and tell me why I can't fully give love to people. Like I love my husband, but I'm so messed up that I can't fully love him the way he needs.
    Because of all this pain I have deep inside, I push it out on others number one being my husband because he doesn't understand. I don't know how to deal with it.
   I finally broke down this morning and I told God I just felt like I was meant to be alone, I don't want a darn shrink because they wont help me they will more than likely want to put me on depression medicine. THAT'S NOT WHAT I NEED!!!! What I need is someone to sit in front of me and let me pour my heart out to them. And I know that's what God is for, like I said it makes it so hard when you can't see Him, we think He might be to busy with someone else. And that's never the case, but I know I try to cry out, and I want someone to just hear me. And I cry out to God but just because I can't hear Him when I really want to doesn't mean He's not listening to me. BUT ITS SO HARD TO SEE THAT!

    I love the Blessed Mother so much, I didn't have that relationship with my mother that I could tell my problems to and she would know what to say, so I always looked for a mother in everyone else, I looked to other peoples friends as mothers and I would hurt when I see how awesome their relationships would be. I never thought to turn to Mother Mary. She makes me feel so amazing, but again because I can't physically see her, it makes it so hard.
  
    I always want to talk to someone, like I just drop it here and there but I never know how to really say STOP I'M HURTING please just listen to me so I can get some relief. It's because I feel the need to help others so much, I want to listen to them so I can help them because I can't help myself. I feel like you know other people go through hard times as well, harder than me, so I SHUT DOWN, and I feel selfish for wanting to talk about my problems. So it's bottled inside of me and it builds up in my heart, so when I am truly happy, all that pain stomps on it the first chance it gets. Like op she's too happy lets do something about that.

   At this point like when I'm seriously realizing how messed up I am, I just feel like is there even a way to help myself? No joke a therapist will NOT help, because there all like, why do you think you feel this way, (all robotic like).. No cracker I KNOW why I feel this way, did you not just hear me tell you all the messed up crap I went through in my life, yet you gonna ask me why I think I feel this way. Therapist are trained to give you like scientific answers, and pretty much make you realize even more that your full of crazy, I don't want to know how crazy you think I am... I ALREADY KNOW THAT PART, I already know I got more issues than vogue magazine, plus you charge an ARM AND A LEG, for me to tell you my problems, I AM BROKE AS A JOKE, who are you kidding here.
   Are you going to really feel my pain, are you going to cry with me because you truly understand the pain and the hurt I'm going through. And for us broke people who can't afford a shrink, what do those broken people do?? Oh well you don't have enough to pay me sooo I can't help you.... THAT'S WHY I HATE THERAPIST!! Because if I want to listen to some one's problems for a living, I'm gonna go to those broken people who can't afford it because they need it more than anyone else in this world. I am going to go sit next to a homeless person and ask them to just pour there heart out to me. Because not one shrink thinks to do that? They don't see dollar signs ($$$$$) they not stopping.
     If there was such a shrink that really cared, that didn't care about the money.. PA LEASE come my way. Like I said I know how crazy I am, and its not even crazy, its just hurt and full of pain. I don't need medication, I need someone to show me the love I didn't have, someone to show me the love that I was ALWAYS looking for my life, but I didn't know how to find it, so I did poo do crazy things and still couldn't find it.

By the way the answer to all this is JUST TURN TO GOD

 

But because I don't have many friends and I don't know how to pour my heart out and go from beginning of my screw ups to end I'm going to just go on this huge rant till its all off my chest and I feel slightly better enough to tuck all the pain back in and go on with my life.

 

 

   Yes I poured my heart out to God this morning and I know He knows I need a little more than that, so I'm hoping He forgives me and understands and is patient with me while I figure out the part where I need to go from beginning to end so I can REALLY give it all to Him. Like I know He knows, but I also know He is waiting for me to break it down piece by piece and I need to really sit down and no joke go from like what age 12 where I think it all started. I don't know, I don't know where it all started... My childhood is starting to blur because of all the pain from my adolescent years to now, and I got that Alzheimer's memory (no joke I'll walk into a room and be like what did I come in here for or talking to my husband and say you know what.. wait I lost it??)

  

    So now I got some work to do, and in ranting I just figured it out, like I really need to start writing down everything that I did or what done to me and just try my best to start remembering so I can I don't know do what with those pages, put it in a balloon and release it to heaven?? I don't know yet, haven't figured that out, but I need to get started one day at a time.

  

 

Now I feel a slight bit better

Don't even care if you read it, just need to put it out there!

This is Just some of how Awesome the Retreat was

I mean how can you not love an awesome

Beat Boxing Priest!

I want him to be my best friend!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 And of course they did a Harlem Shake video including all the kids.

Seriously How Awesome this was.

You had to be there!!

 

I have another little blog on Tumblr, just want to share

   I have another little blog on tumblr if anyone uses it, its just small tidbits maybe not so long, so if your just looking for a quick perk up or a quick religious session, you can go there.

 

http://anemeraldmadebygod.tumblr.com/

Have a Blessed Day

 

Be Saved TODAY!

Pray this prayer... "Lord Jesus, I am a sinner, and I believe you paid for my sins with your blood, and that you rose from the dead. I repent of my unbelief and place my trust in you alone to be my Savior. Amen!"

If this is your prayer, Romans 10:13 is God’s answer: "For whosoever SHALL call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."

A Life Changing Experience ~ God on another Level!

 




So I want to share with all of you some of the experiences I had on our retreat this weekend. Like I seriously thought I was close to God but it reached a whole new level this weekend, so apparently I wasn't close enough.

 

 

Day1

   ~ I had such a hard time opening up to God the first night, I mean I enjoyed it, I cried, but I always cry so I expected that. But I was just soo distracted I just couldn't concentrate on God and really focus. So I was really upset about that once the first night ended. I know this doesn't seem like much but it's important.

 

Day2

    ~ So day number 2, the youth group leader pulled me aside and really gave me some encouraging words that helped me out. She knew I was having a hard time. So she really helped me to kind of calm my anxiety.

 

 

The Girls Talk

   At one point they separated the girls and the guys to do their own thing. And during the girls time, the woman speaker really hit home for me. Like I'm 24 years old and I seriously wish I would have been part of a youth group when I was a teenager, my life would have been completely different. But I also more than likely wouldn't have the children I have, and I'm thankful for them and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, so I am glad in that way, that I didn't attend a retreat when I was younger. But I got just as much as the kids there I can promise.

   But the one thing I learned with the girls talk, was I really didn't know what love was, my whole life I looked and looked for it in material things, things that were small pleasures, sleeping around, I just looked and looked and looked. All in the wrong places, I never thought to look for it in God. I just wanted some one to truly love me, and I couldn't find it, so I really felt worthless all my life. I felt as if there was no point in me being on this earth, I didn't know why God bothered to bring me into this world. I just was so, so empty my whole life. And I really didn't realize it until I heard that woman talking. It all hit me at once, like a big slap in the face. My daddy didn't tell me I was beautiful, my mom didn't either, instead of asking me why I did the things I did, I was called bad names, so I then turned around and acted that way. My mom kept pushing and pushing and she should have just been trying to talk to me, I never got the sex talk, so I didn't know how beautiful it was or why it was important to wait till I was married. So I just did it. My dad just chose not to talk at all or do anything to establish a relationship with me. He just bought me stuff and spoiled us. But not with real love, once I hit my teens that was it, I don't remember the last deep conversation I had with my dad. Still to this day and I'm 24 years old. I spent 24 years looking for love, just someone to love me and I never once thought to look to God.

 

Adoration that Night

   So during adoration the speaker told us to just focus on God, stop making things about ourselves and just make it about God. So I just for some reason I kept asking God to love me, I just kept saying Love me, Please love me, I just needed Him to Love me. We'll the bishop goes around with the Eucharist and he passes down all the isles. My husband and I just so happened to be sitting at the end of the isle and he was going to pass right next to us. I had my eyes closed most of the night, but I could feel the Eucharist getting closer and closer in my heart. When he was coming up our isle I close my eyes and began to cry, but then something happened, I had a vision.

 

The Vision's 

    So in my vision, I was a small tiny like child, and I was on God's lap and it felt like I was being rocked, and then after a little while, He tucked me into His arm where I just felt so safe, and I looked around and standing in front were, Jesus, The Blessed Mother, and my Maw Maw, and they were praying over me. (I never met my maw maw, she died before I was born, so this was a huge deal like I don't know whats going on I'm freaking out).

   And then after that I just saw my Maw Maw, who is so beautiful (I pray to her, and I tell her I miss her and I know we would have been close if she would be around, and I can't wait to meet her). And she kept telling me to let go, and open up, she just kept saying Emmie let go. I was fighting it so bad, like I just didn't want to let God in, but she kept reassuring me to let go. Right then the bishop was passing by us with the Eucharist, but he didn't keep going he just stopped and stood there, and through tears I opened one eye, and I was kneeling so all I could see was his feet, and in that moment I sank to the floor and I cried, I never in my life cried this way, I cried so hard I thought I was going to pass out, I didn't even know how I was going to stop. But I gave God my everything, and He showed me a love that I didn't even know existed. For 24 years I searched for this kind of Love, and at 24 years old I saw my Maw Maw, even though that sounds crazy, but I saw her and she was beautiful.

   After I cried for I don't even know how long, I saw the Blessed Mother, and she put her hand on my heart, and I mean I immediately stopped crying and a calm I never felt before came over me, I was filled with warmth and love and I had the 2 parents I needed, God and the Blessed Mother were my mom and dad, and Its okay if I don't have a deep relationship with my biological parents, I have that with Them. I consider myself very close to the Blessed Mother, I love her beyond reason and I get so excited when someone talks about her.

 

   After I quit crying, I was just in awe of what just happened. A new friend I made in the youth group, a girl my age, who is completely special to me. She just held me, and we held each other for a little while, and I had another vision.

   This time is was the Blessed Mother, and she was standing in front of us with her arms open as if she was embracing us in a hug as we held each other. And then it hit me, all my life I just wanted to be accepted and liked for who I was, but I spent 24 years of my life trying to be someone I wasn't, trying to fit in afraid to be myself because I thought people would think I was weird and odd. And this group of people in the youth group, this girl that was holding me, all these people accepted me for me. And She was my soul sister, it was like I was embracing a long lost sister of mine. And these other kids/young adults, they were my family. The family God intended me to be with all my life, it just took a journey to get there.

 

 

My life has been forever changed by this group of people, each and every person has touched me in a special way, and I love them like my family. I would do anything for them, to protect them.

 

  I made such special connections with several of the people, of all different ages, I made a new sister almost like my long lost twin. I adopted a teenager into my mothers heart. I saw him crying in adoration and my heart cried out for him like he was my child (you know given the odds I'm 24 and I could have a 16 year old son ha). But that boy changed me, I feel the need to protect him, to tell him how special he is. He's like a little ball of sunshine, and I don't think he knows how awesome he is, he has a smile that could light up a room, and no one can take away how special he is or his gifts are. That's only 2 people, there are so many more which I will probably slowly start talking about.

 

 

I just wanted to share with you my experience because I see God on a whole other level, that I didn't even know existed because I thought we were close already. I felt love for the first time, I love my husband and kids in a whole new way. I have a whole new family. And I have the life I was always wanting and wishing and hoping for. I just never prayed for it, which is probably what I should have done in the beginning. But its okay because God gave it to me anyway, just took a while. And I'm glad He waited until now, when I needed them the most He brought me and my husband to them.

 



My New Family!

God's Family 

 ~We're not Perfect, but we're Perfectly Good Enough in God's eyes~