This morning I had come to the realization that I am so messed up, I am seriously messed up, I did so many hurtful things and I have had so many hurtful things done to me in my life, that my heart is so full of pain. I don't know how to fix it, I keep crying out and hoping someone will just listen and tell me why I am so messed up. Who will listen to my whole story and tell me why I can't fully give love to people. Like I love my husband, but I'm so messed up that I can't fully love him the way he needs.
Because of all this pain I have deep inside, I push it out on others number one being my husband because he doesn't understand. I don't know how to deal with it.
I finally broke down this morning and I told God I just felt like I was meant to be alone, I don't want a darn shrink because they wont help me they will more than likely want to put me on depression medicine. THAT'S NOT WHAT I NEED!!!! What I need is someone to sit in front of me and let me pour my heart out to them. And I know that's what God is for, like I said it makes it so hard when you can't see Him, we think He might be to busy with someone else. And that's never the case, but I know I try to cry out, and I want someone to just hear me. And I cry out to God but just because I can't hear Him when I really want to doesn't mean He's not listening to me. BUT ITS SO HARD TO SEE THAT!
I love the Blessed Mother so much, I didn't have that relationship with my mother that I could tell my problems to and she would know what to say, so I always looked for a mother in everyone else, I looked to other peoples friends as mothers and I would hurt when I see how awesome their relationships would be. I never thought to turn to Mother Mary. She makes me feel so amazing, but again because I can't physically see her, it makes it so hard.
I always want to talk to someone, like I just drop it here and there but I never know how to really say STOP I'M HURTING please just listen to me so I can get some relief. It's because I feel the need to help others so much, I want to listen to them so I can help them because I can't help myself. I feel like you know other people go through hard times as well, harder than me, so I SHUT DOWN, and I feel selfish for wanting to talk about my problems. So it's bottled inside of me and it builds up in my heart, so when I am truly happy, all that pain stomps on it the first chance it gets. Like op she's too happy lets do something about that.
At this point like when I'm seriously realizing how messed up I am, I just feel like is there even a way to help myself? No joke a therapist will NOT help, because there all like, why do you think you feel this way, (all robotic like).. No cracker I KNOW why I feel this way, did you not just hear me tell you all the messed up crap I went through in my life, yet you gonna ask me why I think I feel this way. Therapist are trained to give you like scientific answers, and pretty much make you realize even more that your full of crazy, I don't want to know how crazy you think I am... I ALREADY KNOW THAT PART, I already know I got more issues than vogue magazine, plus you charge an ARM AND A LEG, for me to tell you my problems, I AM BROKE AS A JOKE, who are you kidding here.
Are you going to really feel my pain, are you going to cry with me because you truly understand the pain and the hurt I'm going through. And for us broke people who can't afford a shrink, what do those broken people do?? Oh well you don't have enough to pay me sooo I can't help you.... THAT'S WHY I HATE THERAPIST!! Because if I want to listen to some one's problems for a living, I'm gonna go to those broken people who can't afford it because they need it more than anyone else in this world. I am going to go sit next to a homeless person and ask them to just pour there heart out to me. Because not one shrink thinks to do that? They don't see dollar signs ($$$$$) they not stopping.
If there was such a shrink that really cared, that didn't care about the money.. PA LEASE come my way. Like I said I know how crazy I am, and its not even crazy, its just hurt and full of pain. I don't need medication, I need someone to show me the love I didn't have, someone to show me the love that I was ALWAYS looking for my life, but I didn't know how to find it, so I did poo do crazy things and still couldn't find it.
By the way the answer to all this is JUST TURN TO GOD
But because I don't have many friends and I don't know how to pour my heart out and go from beginning of my screw ups to end I'm going to just go on this huge rant till its all off my chest and I feel slightly better enough to tuck all the pain back in and go on with my life.
Yes I poured my heart out to God this morning and I know He knows I need a little more than that, so I'm hoping He forgives me and understands and is patient with me while I figure out the part where I need to go from beginning to end so I can REALLY give it all to Him. Like I know He knows, but I also know He is waiting for me to break it down piece by piece and I need to really sit down and no joke go from like what age 12 where I think it all started. I don't know, I don't know where it all started... My childhood is starting to blur because of all the pain from my adolescent years to now, and I got that Alzheimer's memory (no joke I'll walk into a room and be like what did I come in here for or talking to my husband and say you know what.. wait I lost it??)
So now I got some work to do, and in ranting I just figured it out, like I really need to start writing down everything that I did or what done to me and just try my best to start remembering so I can I don't know do what with those pages, put it in a balloon and release it to heaven?? I don't know yet, haven't figured that out, but I need to get started one day at a time.
Now I feel a slight bit better
Don't even care if you read it, just need to put it out there!
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